Raya and Ted

Raya got into bed and picked her phone up. She set alarms to wake up the next morning. She took one last look into her instagram before her headache annoyed her again. She did not want to let it get severe enough to take a pill. She put her phone down, pulled her blanket over and turned to lie on her side. She did not want to sleep. One might say that she was afraid of falling asleep. The air was cold, but she felt hot. The room was silent except for the sound of her fan. She laid there listening to her fan spin, waiting for the sound of any vehicle that might pass on the street. Her mind was restless and she felt very alone.

“Do you ever feel alone Ted? Is this how you feel when I am not around?” she whispered. She put her arm around Ted and pulled him closer. His soft furry fabric comforted her beyond her own understanding. She knew she would not get any answers out of him, but it made her feel good to talk to him. He had always listened to her lying on the bed, not judging her, not giving her any nasty remarks and paid all his attention. He was there every evening, welcoming her home after she got back from work. She loved that he was over two feet tall. She could get a cuddle with him. She saw him as a person. Someone she could spend her time with everyday without having to worry if he might vanish someday leaving her broken.

“I don’t know what to do Ted. Life’s scary. People say yesterday is history, today is the present and tomorrow is a mystery. But it’s not a present. Everyday feels like some punishment and history hurts all the time, for a reason that I can not make out. Tomorrow is going to be no mystery, it’s going to be the same. I don’t want to go to Tomorrow,” she said with fear and hesitation in her voice. She knew she could deal with whatever life threw her way. But the whole process of it always scared her. She turned Ted on his side facing her, picked his hand and put it over her, making a proper hug. She kept caressing his fabric, hoping it would calm her mind and put her to sleep, like always.

“You know, I never thought I would be someone with a huge teddy on my bed, not even as a kid. But you came along and now I cannot imagine my life without you,” she said. Her lips curled into a faint smile. Her eyes began to close as sleep took over her like a wave.

Her Colors

Sam looked up at the ceiling as she sinked in the mattress. The fan went round and round. As her eyes zoned out, her mind concentrated on one and one thing only, Anu. She could feel the breeze from the day they spent on the beach watching the sunset. The smell of the salty ocean lingered under her nose. As the nostalgia kicked in, tears started rolling down the corner of her eyes. Today was after all the big day. The day when everyone was on the roads to celebrate but Anu and Sam would stay in to celebrate with wine, chocolate and good food. They were supposed to, they could have. Sam had wished a hundred times that they never went through with the break that they agreed they needed, for the past couple of weeks. They thought they were losing reality, but now this felt like the worst nightmare. Everything was just dark and scary.

Sam would not have known that time did fly away if her stomach had not growled. She wanted to keep sinking in her mattress and her thoughts, but she needed something to divert her mind. She walked over to the kitchen to put something together hoping it would fill her stomach. She felt a sudden pain on her back. By the time she turned her cheeks were smacked and powder was rubbed over her face. She panicked. She couldn’t open her eyes, neither her mouth. But she heard a light giggle. Her entire body eased and she could feel tears down her cheeks caking the powder. When she finally managed to open her eyes, she saw Anu standing there with pink and green powder on her hands and a huge grin on her face. Sam waited a moment and within a blink pulled Anu into her smearing all the color on her.

“Let’s end this nightmare,” whispered Anu.

“Happy Holi,” said Sam welcoming the colors back into her life.

Just A Little

Happy!
I heard them scream
Why?
Wasn’t it just a daydream?
Why not?
I saw them beam.

Us

Everytime I cry,
I slowly let you go.
Everytime it pains,
I let us die.
We will never be.
But we were never us.

It’s sad that you weren’t
What I wanted once,
Now that you want it,
I am no longer that.
A day might come,
But I wish it never does.

Where Am I Going?

I’m running, I’m running
And I am running all the time.
I never stop anywhere
But I don’t reach anywhere.

I can’t break the glass
To get out of yesterday.
I can’t open the door
To get into tomorrow.

In circle, again and again,
Like a hamster in a wheel,
I run and run and run,
Not stopping in today.

I wonder now
If I would run into a wall
Or run off a cliff
Then would I stop?

If I fell,
Would I land or
Would I just fly
Into nowhere?

I wish my mind
Would settle somehow
Before my legs
Start to give up.

Dear Sister,

The sun shines bright. The leaves are green, the sky is clear and blue. The birds are chirping away. On this new young morning, I think of you. It makes my heart warm and cozy as I see your charming smile and hear your joyful laugh. It makes me smile. I wonder what you are doing right now. Are asleep? Have you woken up? Are humming and dancing to the music in your head while you are going about your daily routine? I hope that you are. I stand here, looking out of the window, trying to find you out there. My mind searches for the oldest memory. It reels through everything about you that is put away in boxes, trying to open everything at the same time. I was in kindergarten. You came to pick me up from school. I was over the moon to see you. I remember running to you and you picked me up and held me. Watching this play inside my head, I am overwhelmed. All the stories you told me, I still remember those nights. I remember being scared about the supernatural beings of the temples. I remember listening to them and imagining all of it. I remember wondering how you knew so much. I still wonder how you always had a story to tell me. Growing up, I remember my mother making an example out of you for me to follow. I have to say that I was not happy being compared to you. But I also must admit, that you were made an example for all the right things. I see it now, I am glad. Childhood with you was good. But what happened to us as we grew up? Why did we grow apart? I have always thought that you loved me lesser as time went on. Moving out of the neighborhood made it only worse. I should admit that I did have some amount of ego. But I seem to have forgotten about it all as life got busy with board exams and shifting schools. I never forgot you, though. Sometimes things flashed in my head vaguely. The bright, smart, charming, extremely fun and calm sister is doing well in her life; that’s what flashed occasionally. I sometimes yearned to meet you and talk to you, blabber everything that was going on in my life till my heart was contented. I wanted to listen to you say what you thought about things and your advice. Then the parents went into a war. It had its impact on me as well. I did not know what to do and wondered what you were doing.

Things started to change when I was in college. It was the time you were going to get married. I didn’t know if I was happy or not about that fact. But I was certainly excited and nervous to meet you again, to spend some time with you. That day when I met you at your place, I thought to myself that nothing had changed about you. I saw the same happy, charming, full of light. But then you showed me how much dull the light was and how everything around you was affecting you. As I think of this, my heart aches. I never expected to hear what I was hearing, from you. Even after that you still made the light burn brighter. You got married and I was happy watching you be happy. You were going to be happy. I was happy to have had the best few days.

I later realised that marriage was the end of am era and beginning of a new one. End of the era where you could focus on everyone around you and starting of the one where the focus had to fall almost only on your new family. It was hard on me. You gave me everything I had yearned for all my life. But I couldn’t handle that it lasted only so long. Days went by. Months went by. Years did too. I still couldn’t handle it. You always gave me mixed emotions. It was always bitter sweet. I always watched you on instagram stories and posts, the least I could do. Then you had a baby. I remember that it was bitter sweet for me as well. I did not hate the baby, but I did not know how to feel about the happy news. It was hard for me to know something great happen to you and that I could only know about it through instagram stories and whatsapp broadcasts. I settled on wishing the nest for you and tried to get over it.

Months passed again. Almost a year passed. The Corona Virus hit the world and the world was shut down. You visited me at my place. I remember not talking much, but I was really happy to see you. I was happy to know that you did think of visiting and that you might not actually hate me. Then you started replying to my instagram stories. I was always over the moon to see your replies. I always imagined how you would say it in person while reading them. The first time you visited during this time, after you left, I felt weird. The mixed emotions were back. But I realised one thing that scared me more. I was falling in love with the kid. I was not really good with kids, especially little girls. But she was different. The effect she had on me, I cannot describe, even now. I was scared because I wanted to do everything for her, I wanted to see her as my own daughter, but the past events and its patterns flashed everytime I thought about it. I was scared of losing yet another love and happiness. I have to admit now that even though I wanted to get close, I restricted myself. But then again, time heeded us and brought us to each other again. It was the evening of a marriage event of our neighbors. I would never forget that evening. You asked to know a lot about me. Things that I feared to think about even by myself. Things I had decided to bury deep inside until I found the right place and time to dig it out. People usually act like they care to get things to gossip. But I saw it in your eyes and heard in you voice that you actually cared. I wonder why, after all. You cared so much that you decided to trust me and tell me all about your struggles and pain. I saw and felt that you wanted to keep me safe. I remember wanting to cry. I remember the rage that rose up inside. I also remember trying to figure out how you put up such a brave face, kept your calm and smiled through out and decided to attend a happy event. I wanted to hug you and make it all go away.

The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Sky is clear and blue. Leaves are green and alive. Dear sister, you have always been a light in everyone’s dark ass lives. Many shut their eyes and pretend to not know it just to spite you. But they will one day open their eyes only to find that the light they so grudgingly avoided left them in the dark. Light would have moved away to a place where you are celebrated for just existing. For pure hearts are too rare to throw in the dirt. I tell you now, nothing has changed in you. I still see the same charming, brave, funny, calm girl, who is only a lot smarter and stronger than before. You are already the best mother and you will always prove it. You will raise her as the best version of her and she will see it one day. Today, as I write this to you, I realise that even through all the ups and downs, there is no love lost here. I hope and promise that it will never be. Everything that I had only dreamt for us would come alive, I will make it happen. One day, we will be on our own, for our best. We would be looking up in the sky, watching the moon and counting the stars, talking our hearts out, about anything and everything in the world, laughing and sharing the silence.

Yours always,

…….

I Need A Drug

Give me a drug
Something strong, something addictive.
Give me a drug
That can make me feel
The blood coursing through my veins
The air teasing my face
The warmth cozying up my skin.
I need a drug
That makes me see
All the things that I refused
That makes me think
About all the things that I ignored.
Give me a drug
To make me fall in love
With the life that shows me the world
With the world that shows me life.
Fall in love,
I have to, with my soul
And my body that protects it.
Give me a drug
For falling in love
Is as hard as waking up
After a terrible dream.
So give me a drug
To stay addicted
To all the beauty of life
To want to stay alive.

Dead

It was the last day before the long weekend. Everyone was excited. It had been very long since they had a long weekend. All of them had been making plans since last month. Benny and Franco on the other hand, weren’t as excited as their colleagues. Their lives weren’t majorly impacted by two extra holidays. Soon it was lunch time. Benny and Franco picked their coats and walked out to get some McDonald’s. 

“So any plans for the long weekend?” asked Benny even though he knew Franco like an open book. 

“Yea, jump into the ocean and disappear,” Franco replied plainly. “You know me man, if I had something on my mind, you would be in it too,” said Franco after a brief pause. 

Benny nodded silently as the duo reached their destination. They gave their orders and waited quietly watching the busy people participating in their lives. There was a group of teenage kids who were laughing so loud that every other person had their eyes on them with bitterness on their faces. But Franco, on the other hand, was enjoying the scene. It reminded him of his own teenage days, when he couldn’t care any less about the world and be his own person. Benny and Franco met at that time and have had all the fun and stuck with each other through everything. Of course Benny knew what was going on inside Franco’s head. So he let him be with it and walked up to the counter when their order numbers were yelled. Franco stood up as Benny walked back, pointing towards the tables outside. They walked out. 

“So Halloween is in a month. What do we do?” asked Benny with a slight concern on his face. He remembered the last time, when their plans didn’t work out well for them. 

“What do you want to do? Go pumpkin shopping? Or buy a whole farm of pumpkins?” Franco questioned Benny with slight sarcasm. 

“No man, they are dangerous. Remember? We can’t put ourselves in trouble this time again, we will have to face severe consequences,” Benny replied emotionally. 

Franco understood what his best friend was worried about and assured him that they would find a way out. They had finished their lunch. They disposed of the trash and walked back to the office. Four more hours of slogging at the desks before the weekend. 

Franco fell on the couch as soon as they entered the small apartment they lived in. He was very tired and almost dead. Benny was too, but he held his composure longer than Franco so at least one of them was alert enough to take care of the other. They took turns, but Benny almost always let Franco be free. Franco passed out on the couch as Benny decided to take a shower. 

Being an After Dead amongst the Undead was not always easy. They had to blend in with the lives on the earth to not be identified as lifeless. So for the past five years, Franco and Benny blended in and lived as if they were Undead. It was not easy. There were differences in lifestyles, time, food and everything. The After Dead had their own law and keepers. For the past four years, Franco and Benny had hidden from the keepers and punishers. It was all going great until last Halloween. Something about Halloween and the celebration made it easier for the Undead to be easily identified by their kind. Benny and Franco did not know what it was but knew it was an ancient ritual that once helped the After Dead to reach out to one another. There were also things that were dangerous. Benny and Franco wanted the opposite right now. Reaching out and being reached out was the worst thing that could happen to them and to sabotage their plans. 

Benny walked out of the shower and changed into fresh boxer briefs. He still had the clothes that he bought as a teenager, when they were still Undead. If anyone, at that time, had told these two guys what was going to happen, they would have sworn on their lives that no such things existed and nothing like that was going to happen. Benny walked out to the couch to wake Franco. As he walked in front of Franco, Benny was horrified. Franco was as pale as a paper and his skin was withering out. If this kept going on, Franco would be in serious danger. As far as Benny knew, only one thing could do this kind of damage to the After Dead. The same disaster that happened last Halloween. Pumpkins. He searched the whole house while trying to wake Franco up. Nothing. He didn’t understand. He ran upto Franco and started shaking him vigorously. He even slapped him a few times. When Franco woke up, he felt sharp stings on his cheeks. 

“What the hell did you do to me?” he asked Benny, touching his red cheek. 

“You are withering, man, don’t you feel? What did you do? Did you touch or eat a pumpkin?” asked Benny. 

“No bro, I just dreamt of it. Now. You see me, I never went near a pumpkin anytime,” said Franco defensively. He really did not notice himself wither. The horror on Benny’s face made Franco realise how much in danger he was and he had only accidentally dreamt of a pumpkin. Franco realised that it was going to be a tough time ahead.

I Lust

Lovers on my bed every night
Hands over bodies all night
The heat and the aroma
The pain and the pleasure
Designers in my closet
Designers under my feet
Designers on my arm
Designers on every inch of me
Money in the floor
Money on the road
Money in the vault
Money on the plate
All eyes on me
All ears on me
All mouths about me
All world under me
I slide through 
On my golden sledge
With my diamond crown
And I don’t want to stop
I want it all
I want more.

Lights are Traps

I had been here for over a month. I was starving. I knew there was nothing edible anymore but I had to check. I got myself up on my legs and slowly dragged my feet to the kitchen. It was hard for the first couple of days to see my way in the darkness, but I had to get used to the darkness. Lights were traps. As I moved I felt the already broken pieces of the glass break underneath my feet. I kept moving while my feet started stinging with pain. The wounds that were made earlier were freshened up by those broken glasses every time I walked on them. I entered the kitchen. I could make out the outlines of the objects in the darkness. I checked all the cans in the racks and cupboards. They were all empty. I kept looking as my stomach rumbled. I had to survive somehow. I found a door that I had never noticed all these days. I held the handle and pulled it hard. I was blinded. My mind went into a trance.

Suddenly I heard a loud crash from the other end of the house. It was here. I snapped back to the moment. I was standing in front of a refrigerator, wide open. There sat a tiny bulb that lit the whole kitchen. My heart started beating too fast that I heard it in the silence. So many days I lived in the dark to escape the creature. But I ruined it all and walked straight into. I banged the door shut. But I couldn’t see anymore through the dark. I heard rapid foot steps approaching me. My body trembled. I looked around frantically with my hands in front of me to touch and figure out what was around me. I was not to be caught by it. I felt a handle. I opened it and threw my hands inside it. There was nothing but a slab. My eyes were  adjusting to the absence of light. I could make out the space inside the cupboard. I had to hurry. It was small space but I didn’t think twice. I climbed in and squeezed myself inside it. I reached for the door and pulled it shut. I heard the footstep like it was next to me. I heard a deep growl. I couldn’t see anything through the cracks and tiny gaps. I decided to sit still.

I didn’t know how long I was in the cupboard. I must have passed out. I opened my eyes and tried to listen. I couldn’t hear anything. It was silent. The growl was no more. I decided to open the cupboard. I pushed the wall which I thought I knew was the door. It wouldn’t move. I couldn’t see any gaps and cracks that I saw before. There was a loud bang, from the living room.

“Rahul?” I heard familiar voices. “Rahul?” 

“Dude, what has happened? Why are all the lights and bulbs broken, on the floor? Where did he go man??!” I heard my friends search the flat. This was my only chance, to escape this darkness. I screamed and banged at the inside of the cupboard. Nothing

“Rahul is nowhere, I can’t find him here,” I heard the door shut after a few minutes.

I tried the other walls.Nothing moved. It was darker than I remembered. It was pitch black. Everything felt different as I touched. I didn’t understand, panic struck me. I didn’t know where I was.